Monday, February 25, 2008

Guest Blogger - The Sher Show

I've been bugging my lovely boyfriend, Sheridan, for some time now about writing a piece for The Mer Show and he finally found a topic that fires him up enough to take the time to write for you fine folks - bathroom etiquette, particularly as it pertains to the mens room. So please enjoy this literary masterpiece written just for The Mer Show readers by the love of my life.

Love, Mer


Meredith felt that a little talk on bathroom etiquette was appropriate for the male audience of her blog. I will henceforth give my best effort to discuss the issue in a rational and dignified manner suitable for her educated, sophisticated, and mature readers.

Here goes:

Let's divide the bathroom into 2 segments. Most dudes will head in there to do one of two things - use the one on the wall, or the one in the stall. Let's discuss some etiquette tips for the receptacle on the wall first.

When heading in there, it is always advisable to survey the landscape first. If there are a multitude of choices, find your donkey and pin the tail. If there is a toilet in use, the general rule applies of one empty toilet between users, please. Nothing is going to make you enemies faster than brushing elbows with someone whose fly is open when you don't have to. If you happen to walk in and there is a fellow at every other toilet, thereby making your only choices limited, bite your lower lip, curse the gods, and head in there between two guys. It is best to never look down, nor ever look around. (Actually, there is one thing that will make you enemies faster than brushing elbows - getting caught with wandering eyes.) Pick a spot on the wall in front of you and analyze said spot until you are finished. If there happens to be newspapers hanging on the wall for reading material, life just got better.

Note: if you are bracing yourself against the wall with your arm, even at work, it is safe to assume you are drunk.

Another helpful hint - don't talk to me while I am taking care of business. I don't care if you are getting drinks with the new intern, just bought a Porsche, or hooked up with my sister. Now isn't the time, as I am busy analyzing the spot on the wall in front of me and hoping not to drip on myself when I do "the shake". Talk to me at the sinks.

Do us all a favor, flush.

The (dreaded) stall:

If I am sacrificing home field advantage and using a public restroom to take care of business, I am not happy about it - I will really not be happy about it if you talk to me while I am busy. I can't imagine a topic being so important that I need to discuss it with you with my pants around my ankles. It is an awkward moment we can all avoid rather easily. You can think about it, but don't do it.

If you are using a stall and are getting rid of some bad sushi from the night before, let me put some words into your vocabulary: courtesy flush. Do us all a favor and send that stuff back to where it came from pronto! Just because you flush doesn't mean you are done, or need to get up, it just means you are one nice individual to consider your fellow man. It is bad enough we all have to use a dirty, over used, under cleaned commode, but using it while smelling someone else's chili con carne isn't cool, man.

If you view your time in the stall as your time to catch up phone calls, don't be mad if I throw a courtesy flush your way. It is only fair the person you are talking to knows you are talking to them with your pants around your ankles.

If you have to share a bathroom with me, you should be nice to me. I can see your shoes under the stall wall, and whether you are an Executive Vice President, or a mailroom guy, you don't want your business to be public knowledge. Don't make me tell everyone you made the bathroom unusable for a few hours.

When you flush, it is perfectly acceptable to use your foot to jiggle the handle. If you touch that thing with your hand, you are a brave soul, and one dirty mofo.

And finally,

If you are in to use the wall version, you must still wash your hands. Don't think I don't know who you are; I can see your shoes! Believe me, you don't want to be known as "that guy".

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